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I’ve Been Avoiding You

And for good reason. Well, not good. Tragic. Unfortunate. Devastating. Reason. The worst kind of reason. But, I have to get it out there. Off my chest. Into the open. Make it all finally officially, official, so we can have our good cry and move on, right? As if. Thus far, it’s a strategy not actually working for me.

We lost our pug.

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Not to like the streets. He didn’t slip out the front. Our neighborhood isn’t plastered with LOST DOG flyers (at least not for my dogs). Nothing so hopeful. Nothing so easily resolved. Hugo was never the kind to run far anyway. No, we lost our not quite four year old pug… to Cancer.

Sudden bleeding-tumor-on-your-liver Cancer. Emergency-surgery Cancer. Compromising-intestines-arteries-and-pancreas Cancer. Nothing-we-can-do Cancer. Though, he wasn’t even really sick. He had an upset tummy for about a week or two. Refused a little breakfast here and there. A BIG deal for a pug. But, we (the vet and I) suspected a touch of giardia. Antibiotics. No big. Until one Saturday morning, I noticed a tight belly. Back to the vet we went. Less than 8 hours after that, he was gone.

Gone. I didn’t believe it until I was actually saying the words. Sometimes I still don’t believe it. Those whirlwind hours of decision making and vet running, waiting by the phone and planning for his post-op. That whole time I thought this was going to cost me a lot of money. (Thank Dog for that emergency fund!) But, that I would be picking up my dog in the morning. I didn’t think we were saying goodbye. I would have behaved a little differently.

As we were riding home in the car together from Vet #1, to pick up The Husband and Offspring on our way to Vet #2, my Pug was riding shotgun. I told him then, that it would be alright. That I was sorry he was sick. That I would fix it. I guess we did. And we didn’t. Had I known, I would have pulled that car over and snorfled that dog fiercely. (Thats a particular kind of pug snuggle for those not in the know.) I would have kissed that flat ridiculous face one more time. Square on the nose. (A guilty pleasure of mine.) I would not have been as cavalier with my goodbye.

I’m not sure how I should have known sooner, but I feel like I should have known sooner, ya know?
The baby of our family. Canine variety. Spoiled and rotten. My not particularly well trained, mostly standoff-ish fell into my lap Pug dog. He’s left an achey hole in our lives. A quiet achey hole, that seems so much bigger than his 25lb wrinkly dog stature.

So love your dogs today. Right now. This second. Be thankful for your old dogs, for the long lives you’ve shared together. Don’t take those for granted. Saying goodbye is always painful. Never easy. Remember though, its a privilege.

There is so much more to say. About this dog specifically. About our relationships with dogs in general. The toll it takes on us and the quality it brings to our lives. The philosophy is somewhere back there, swirling in my melon, acknowledging the double edged sword of having these creatures in your life. Yeah, yeah. All that. Mostly I just want to say…

We love you Hugo-potamus. We miss you very much.

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Comments

Crystal Wayward
Reply

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is heavy for you.

Kris
Reply

Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so much more difficult when it’s sudden. Nothing a stranger on the internet can say to make it easier, to be sure, but still . . . you’re in my thoughts. It’s hard.

Nancy
Reply

so so sorry!

Betsy
Reply

Beautifully expressed. I get it. And I’m just so sorry. That he was so young makes it all the worse.

Lilypad
Reply

I’m so sorry for your loss. My 15 year old feline baby left us 2.5 years ago and I still think about her several times a day. I console myself by thinking of what a wonderful life she had and that we were able to keep her safe and happy from 8 weeks – 15 years. I wish you could have had more time with your Hugo.

Katie
Reply

So sorry to hear about your Hugo. It is so obvious that he had the best pug life with you.

Peggy
Reply

We are so sorry. It’s so hard to lose our buddies. We lost one very suddenly when she was four. Devastating. So totally unprepared. About two and a half years ago we lost our almost 17 year old that was the four year old’s niece. Still miss her. Still miss them all. A little (maybe pretty big) chunk of our heart belongs to each of our buddies at the bridge. Time helps. Our deepest sympathy to you and your family.

Steph
Reply

I’m so sorry to hear about Hugo. The suddenness makes it even harder, as you said. Sending lots of hugs…

Loris
Reply

Well, shoot. I’d been hoping you’d post again soon, but not like this! I’m so sorry.

Tracy
Reply

I too was hoping to see you post again. Sorry it was under these circumstances. How are the other fur babies taking it?

Suzanne
Reply

So sorry to hear of your loss.

Donna Freedman
Reply

Sorry for the loss of your beloved friend.

Jessica @YouDidWhatWithYourWeiner
Reply

I am so sorry for your loss. I have not lost a dog as an adult buy grandma went from “healthy” to cancer diagnosis to massive heart attach to dead in a week’s time. I can understand how extra devastating and tragic a sudden loss like that can be. Hoping that your heard mends in time and you don’t beat yourself up over it too much. It sounds like your pup was very loved and well taken care of.

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