I’m in no position to tell anyone how to do much anything. That’s not currently a service we offer. Ok, perhaps with the exception of a dog topic or two. I’ve got broad personal and professional experience to cover those. When it comes to dirt though, to growing, starting, tending and all tasks Ugly Garden… Well, how about you tell me? Otherwise, here’s how I’m currently not.
Lettuce table, I officially declare you, epic fail. Please note the marked similarity in size and fortitude of my lettuce to earlier in the month. That is to say, its not stinking growing! At all.
The largest of my ‘crop’ at less than palm size. Most of them look more like this.
We sprouted. There was much joy. And that’s about it. I think they looked better in May. No distinguishable progress in 8 weeks? Evicted. The Ladies will dine on gourmet micro greens before the week is out. Mark my words.
In recent history, I’ve amended their soil with everything from coffee grounds to compost to fish emulsion. Nothing. I got nothing. Ingrates. Pale, wilty ingrates.
That’s our lesson in how to not start a lettuce table.
Next up? Tomato Trellises.
This is how you don’t trellis your tomatoes in desperate need of a little support. It’s a complicated procedure, involving not enough time, and just a dash of apathy. Tough to get it right.
This here though, this is advanced. The lost art of how to not have a fall garden. It’s hard to tell, I know. Subtle. The tell tale sign being the lack of a f$!@ing bed. For this you need really good intentions. Plans even. You take those, and you go watch the second season of Downton Abbey.
There you have it. My contribution to the blogger world of How-To’s. In some cases, I’m actively doing something wrong. Does it matter that I’m not sure about the exact nature of the wrongness? Not according to the lettuce and spinach it doesn’t. Will I start over? Will I ever grow some fricking lettuce? I’ll let you know after the lettuce table is violently dismantled. Clearly, I’m also rocking the just plain Not. Not doing. Not building. Not getting done. I’ll serve as a cautionary tale, if not a pinterest pin.